It's two in the morning. I've been trying to sleep now for an hour with no luck. Had the same problem last night. I sat here last night looking out the window as the snow fell and for a moment my mind drifted back to happier times. I could remember holding her as the snow fell around us. The warmth of her breath and she pulled me tight to keep her warm. Her smile and the look in her eyes. I was able to remember joy the falling snow once brought me. Then I came back to where I sat and remembered that I was sitting here alone, and that there was no joy anymore in the falling snow. No one to sitting here with me to remind me that tomorrow would be a new day. Is it so wrong that I wish for those feelings to return to me? I have sat here looking out the same window night after night for weeks now looking for the answers that I seek to desperately in my, yet I find nothing. I've even gone so far as to reach out to an old friend for advise because I can't turn to those that I have here to listen because many of them weave the web of thoughts that have troubled my mind. I feel as though I am stuck in December waiting to the ice on my heart to thaw. Yet the warmth of a soft touch never comes......I hate snow...

 

Linkin Park

My December -

 

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

You know i don't know why i don't post here much anymore. I always liked it here. Not to much to say. I'm in search of a 4am Miracle. Anyone know where i can find one....

 

What i've done-

In this farewell,
There's no blood,
There's no alibi.
'Cause I've drawn regret,
From the truth,
Of a thousand lies.

So let mercy come,
And wash away…

What I've Done.
I'll face myself,
To cross out what I've become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I've done.

Put to rest,
What you thought of me.
While I clean this slate,
With the hands,
Of uncertainty.

So let mercy come,
And wash away…

What I've Done.
I'll face myself,
To cross out what I've become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I've done.

For What I've Done

I start again,
And whatever pain may come.
Today this ends,
I'm forgiving what I've done.

I'll face myself,
To cross out what I've become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I've done.
(Na na na na, na na na na, na na na na, na na na na)
What I've done.


Forgiving What I've Done.

Whoever you love but can't have.
Whoever you want to hold but can't.
The person is who you want in your heart but does not want you in theirs
For the feelings we hide from all the prying eyes
And leave in places under skies
For the chills that are sent up a spine
Each time that you look deep in their eyes
All those hearts that missed a beat
As you lay unable to sleep
For the love you always wanted to keep
Yet never had the strength to reach
Those loves that all but washed away
But are still felt in the night of day
These are the feelings that I hold so dear
Because these feelings for you are what keeps me here

Don't know why i don't post here anymore. If you want to know whats going on with me go to my myspace, i don't feel like typing that again...but if you look hard at this song you should get a hint as to how i am.

 

"So Far Away"

this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
'cause i
i must be sleeping

now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before

somebody shake me 'cause i
i must be sleeping

now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me

now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

Just a fast update. Man i never use this anymore. But anyway i'm alive kinda. I'm in cali till the 19th of may for work. Guess i'm alone for my birthday this year...damn

So after three weeks now if going all over and looking at jobs i have made my mind up for now anyway. I've taken a job with verizon wireless back here in carson. With some things going on i feel that i need to be here with my family and with the pay i'll be getting well i can't say anything that bad about being here. I'll be living out in washoe valley here soon which is nice. Life is starting to return to a norm..well a norm for me anyway. i'll be changing my phone so i'm back here in carson when people call me. Now if I could just get a little sleep in me life would be great.

Ok so here is what is going to happen.

 

Sunday the 19th

Silvana's 1301 N. Carson street

Doors are at 7pm.

$10 at the door

 

This is an all age's party But there will be ID's shown at the door. Soda's and such for people under 21. Food and such will be discounted so have fun.

 

Everyone is welcome and the only reason that i have to charge to get in is because we have to pay for the building. I can't wait to see EVERYONE there!!

I really just feel like a fight right now. I've been on edge for days and I have no idea why. People have just come out of everywhere bitching at me for things that make no since to anyone but them yet somehow it's my fault. The more i look at everything i just don't care. To those people that seem to want to push me away faster (and trust me, it's working) Live or Die, Win or Lose, At the End of the Day, I'm still not You, and you know what, that's better then anything i could buy, any goal I could reach, better then ANYTHING i could ever do because you sicken me. You bitch at me to stay here close to you and that you don't want me to go which ok, that’s fine. But when you bitch at me for not spending every damn moment i have in the day with you that’s just pushing it. There are other people here, there are other people that want to see me. Hell there are other that need my help and i wont just drop what I’m doing, stop helping someone in need because you want to spend time with me. You can wait till the person i'm with is safe and yes, my family will come before you damn it so don't think for ONE god damn moment that you are better then they are. There are so many people doing this to me and yes, i understand that you want to see me but please give me space to breath once and awhile damn it. I have to work and i have to see my family and when those things are done i will call people. DEAL WITH IT...

 

 

wow....well i feel better after that little rant, sorry to those that have just read that and that i pissed off because i am sure there are many of you...but hey, i feel better now...go me.

 

QUOTH THE RAVEN

NEVERMORE

This is the Be My Valentine Application. Everyone knows theres at least one person that you want to be your Valentine. Heres the application for that special someone.

Area 1. - Mark a "X" for the ones that apply to you, feel free to mark as many as you want.

[] Heavy Set

[] Light Set

[] Medium Set

[] Slender

[] Athletic

[] Bald

[] At least 4'

[] At least 5'

[] At least 6'

[] At least 7' or taller.

 

Area 2. - Mark a "X" for the ones that apply to you, feel free to mark as many as you want.

[] Virgin

[] Good Kisser

[] Good in Bed

[] Male

[] Female

[] Undecided

[] Bi-Sexual

[] Lesbian

[] Other

[] Experience

 

Area 3. - Now you have to fill in the blanks. Please provide positive answers.

Name:

Age:

Phone[Mobile]:

Height:

Weight:

Do you Drive:

School:

Grade:

May I Call You:

Single or Taken:

Would You Date Me:

Kiss On First Date:

And last but not least : would YOU like to be my Valentine?